What is stress? Stress is being asked the week before a concert to sing a solo. Stress is having to wait a week in torment, wondering if you're good enough to be allowed to sing it the night of the concert. Stress is self-doubt, psychologially talking yourself down and throwing aside any good qualities in lieu of what MIGHT be, mistakenly thinking that what MIGHT be actually IS in reality. The last two or three choir rehearsals I have not enjoyed at all. I've been sooo worried about singing it well and not letting everybody down that I've been missing the point of why I joined choir in the first place..that singing and making music is supposed to be FUN. It's funny, I've been playing piano for 14 years and can't ever remember getting into such a state when giving a recital. Oh sure, there's always butterflies in the stomach, but once I sit down to play, I become Mr. Confidence, and I think people notice it. What I need to do now is channel that piano confidence into my singing.
Today I feel much less stressed, but this is because that it was finally decided by our conductor that I'm not ready to sing the solo, and so he gave it to one of the sopranos, who granted, has a terrific voice. I have mixed emotions about it. While I admit to being relieved that I don't have to freak out on Tuesday night about it, I am quite disappointed that I wasn't allowed the opportunity to show myself and others that I can do it. I don't begrudge anyone, I was given several chances during rehearsal to get it right. But Vivaldi is difficult to sing, and I just don't have a strong enough voice to make it happen. If I had more time to prepare it, I'm sure I would've done very well. But what's done is done. Now I can focus on having an excellent dress rehearsal on Monday night and get (properly) pumped for the concert on Tuesday night. For all of you Moscow friends, I repeat: Tuesday, 7:30 at St. Andrew's Anglican Church. Dom 8, Voznesenski Pereulok. Encore concert Friday evening, same time and same place. Cost: 450 rubles. Again, if you want to hear some beautiful music, and to see yours truly light up the altar along with the rest of the choir, come to St. Andrew's either Tuesday or Friday, or if you're particularly awesome, both nights! What's more, we also have a Lessons and Carols service (again with our church choir) next Sunday evening, Dec.13, at 6:30, again at St. Andrew's. Then I will definitely be singing a solo, along with Dan, so come along, listen to some beautiful Scripture readings and lovely, lovely carols, including a secret song, which I am not allowed to share with the public under threat of being forced to listen to John Rutter for all eternity, LOL.
Once the awesomeness of next week dies down, what follows that is our play performance and three exams. So effectively I may be getting very little sleep the next two plus weeks, but hopefully our performances will reflect the hard work we put into rehearsing all semester! Not that I don't have to worry about the solo, I can focus on having fun again, and be energized by the wonderful music and the presence of my friends who have promised to come and cheer me on. That's what MUSIC has always been about for me. It's one thing to rehearse and play alone, it's quite another to perform for people. It's about communicating. It's about love and death and happiness and God and sadness and despair and joy and enjoying life in all its aspects.
After my last exam on Dec. 17 (Music History), I've got a week to unwind and pack before my long-awaited flight home on Christmas Eve. Really really really looking forward to a month of hanging with friends and family. I'd love to get down to the Cape for a couple of days as well as maybe take a day trip to the Woo, visit HC and my friends still there (who are going to be graduating in May, bozhe moi!!!). Anybody looking to arrange some sort of reunion, be it former MCA teachers, TEFLers of the great class of Sept/Oct. 08, HC buddies, do let me know, I'd love to get together with as many of you as possible. I will be home from Christmas until Jan 28 (gotta go back before Feb. 2, as that is when my visa expires). I can just see it now: homemade mashies, stuffing and turkey, apple cider, Coronas and champagne, mac and cheese and scallops, Italian subs at Nick's, watching football games on High Def, PLAYING THE PIANO again, walking Deer Island (even the, yes Mom, I'm going to say it, HILLS...but not all the time, hahahaha), chilling at the Cape, going into Boston with teh friends and teh cousins, Harvard Square...the list is endless, but it's all little things about being at home that I miss terribly. But I will see you all VERY VERY soon! 19 days, woo hoo! :)))))))))))))) JT's coming home!!! Start opening your calendars, lol, we're gonna paint the town! Love you guys! Keep writing and swimming! :)))))
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